Updated: May 23
Today. Today, was hard. Today, was the day it happened. I signed my divorce papers, and moved on from the most prominent chapter of my life, thus far.
While I have been removed from my married life for months, divorce is a long road, and today was the step I had been waiting to take since that day in August, when I finally walked away from everything and everyone I had known for almost a decade...my entire adult life.
Was I happy? Was I sad? Why didn't I cry? All questions I had for myself as I accepted that my marriage was over, and nothing would ever be the same. My children would never have a traditional family again... they would flip flop...back-and-forth for the remainder of their childhood and develop relationships with whoever their father and I decided to move on with.
How could you leave your family? How could you leave this beautiful life? How can you justify walking away...you are so provided for, you have everything you ever wanted!? All questions I have been asked while going on this journey of "self destruction" from people who had no idea what actually went on behind closed doors. What kind of toxic we were for each other. But, does that even matter...does reality ever matter to the outside?
You LOOK beautiful, you post beautiful photos and it seems perfect..so how could it not be? How could it be...that MY perception of YOUR reality could be so distorted that my judgement of YOUR life is wrong?
Let me say that again, for all the people in the back... THIS IS MY REALITY, NOT YOURS. Curated images and words on social media are not real life, and we all know that, but do we internalize that knowledge? The answer is no, at least for me.
This is likely a strange way to start a blog, at least I assume so... I've never written a blog post. But, no introduction, no explanation...just diving right into the heavy stuff? Right into - my life is a mess - I've hit rock bottom, but this just felt like the right topic for me - we can get to the event planning, styling and fluff later.
Let's rewind. To me, at twenty-two. When this all started. Pregnant, terrified and single. SINGLE. Y'all, I was single. Ohhhhh. You didn't know that, did you? K, that's a different story so let's save that for another post.
Moving right along to twenty-five. Engaged to my now... almost ex-husband, toddler to my left, terrified and still young AF. Moving in the proper direction. The one everyone says to go in.
Fast forward through my marriage (that sounds bad, but just do it for purposes of this post, promise I'll come back to it), another baby and five years - I am one foot into my thirties, unemployed, and still terrified, but ready to start life. My life, my way.