How do you make the decision to leave the life you've known for ten years? I don't think you make one decision, I think you make several, over months, and maybe even... over years. Trying to decide which scenario is best for your children and for yourself.
And then it happened... the most daunting conversation I have ever had.
"I am unhappy, I want to consider divorce." "I am sure this can't be fixed, I feel like I am your child - not your partner."
I felt like I was being perfectly clear, but quite obviously that was not the case. Any inkling of false hope I gave, sucked me right back in.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands...
I made mistakes, things I can never take back, but however twisted this sounds - I felt as though the only way to end my marriage with a clean break was to absolutely destroy it. Completely, and utterly alienate myself by way of self sabotage.
The already stressful environment that was my marriage was now hostile, and it was all my fault.
Finally getting the courage to leave didn't come without consequences. I lost time with my girls, I lost my house, I lost my job, I lost friends and family that were in my life for 10+ years. I lost everything.
Was it the best way to go about things, no. Would I recommend that you ever attempt to end a marriage this way, absolutely not. But, in my very unprofessional opinion, this all tells me that I felt like I had no control over my own life, and honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting out of that situation.
I think for me, it was better to put a stop to it now, than continue leading a life I didn't like - just to avoid being judged by people that didn't deserve that much of my head-space.
I want my blog to be about how we, as women, struggle. We make decisions that we think are right for us and for our families, and how eventually... the after... the ending, hopefully looks pretty good.